How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
