spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
