I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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