Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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