I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
