i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
being pregnant is like rehab
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
