I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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