dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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