; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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