I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
