You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
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i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
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Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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