Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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