after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
