a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize