no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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