Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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