I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
