my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
