oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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