You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
