Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
