Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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