god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
