There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
The uberlube is also flammable
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
