you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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