new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
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Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
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Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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