Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
