Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
