I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
