I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He has the fingertips of a God
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