Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
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I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
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I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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