Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
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Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
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In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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