The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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