Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
