It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Randomize
