Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
