so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
