I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
