He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
