i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
