true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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