Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
