there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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