Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
