Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
