i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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