Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
