but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
