im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
