Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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