It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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