i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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