i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
