i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
he laminated a picture of his dick.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Randomize
