Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
