I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I still have a little drunk in my system
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
